A Self-Help Article
by Zoe Davis
Remove Yourself From Control and Chaos
"True control is recognising you have no control.” ~ Anonymous
As humans, we want to have a certain level of control over our lives; however more often than not, the control we desire ends up controlling us. Where did we lose that sense of control and become controlled or chaotic?
Right from the beginning we are born helpless and for many years our lives are controlled by our caregivers. The level of care we received will greatly affect the way we sustain our sense of control. So, if our caregivers were control freaks, or lived on chaos (which is also a way of controlling), then it is reasonable to assume the ability for the child to maintain a stable sense of personal control will be compromised. Behind all of this control and chaos is a distorted sense of self-preservation, it’s basically fear acting out.
Think about it, if the parents were always in the middle of a drama, or the home was always a mess, then the child is either going to do the same, or, balance out that behaviour by being more ‘in control’. The child will seek the safety of the same or the opposite. The same goes if the parent was insistent that things had to always be clean and tidy or in a certain or particular way, and if they weren’t there was always the ominous threat of ‘or else’ looming, then the child is either going to follow suit and do the same, or rebel and try the opposite which is seeking chaos, ‘tempting the Gods’ as it were.
As you can see from the above examples, control and chaos are two sides of the same coin. Control fears that chaos is just one dirty sock away, and chaos fears that control is just one finished project away.
A controller will continually attract chaotic situations and characters into their life as a way of justifying the need to exert ever greater control. Someone in the habit of chaos will always attract controlling situations and characters so they can validate the need to preserve the chaos they are accustomed to. What they both have in common is the resistance to change and cooperation.
If this dynamic resonates with you, take a while to ask yourself the following questions and write down your answers;
What would happen if I allowed change? How would that affect me? How would that make me feel?
After you have answered the above questions and gained a deeper understanding of why you are resistant to change and cooperation, you can then start thinking about how you can be acting more ‘appropriately’.
Acting appropriately is the key to removing yourself from the control/chaos dynamic. Decide to practice a new habit of dealing with each new situation or person appropriately and with compassion. Let go to the need to make sure things are going your way, instead adapt to what is happening and maintain a sense of working with the highest good of all, an intention of win/win for all involved.
This goes when dealing with yourself too, instead of pushing yourself beyond capacity or backing yourself into a corner to maintain position, listen to what your body needs, listen to what your heart is guiding you to do next or what your inner child is craving. Cooperate with yourself, be flexible and allow the change required, treat yourself appropriately.
Where in your life are you maintaining an overly controlling stance? How could you be acting more appropriately for the greater good?
Once you decide to willingly change and cooperate and act appropriately, your whole existence will experience an incredible transformation. Letting go of control and chaos allows you to be in the flow of life, your body will be able to relax and heal, and your relationships will become more harmonious as you are more accepting and approachable. Your interests will further expand and develop as you will become more prepared to try new things and just give things a go.
Letting go of control and chaos is without a doubt one the greatest ways to heal your life. Answer the questions in this article and diligently practice the affirmation “I no longer engage with control and chaos, I have the courage to change and act appropriately,” and see what happens over the coming months.
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Zoe is the founder of The New Leaf coaching and kinesiology.
Since 1997 she's helped thousands of people who feel stuck clear their life path and confidently move forward.
As well as a regular blog, The New Leaf offers sessions and programs in clinic, by phone and online.
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